Preparing for tomorrow

I haven’t been able to update for a few days because I have been preparing and planning for Laurencia’s funeral mass as well as trying to get some Valencia time in.  On Tuesday we met with Fr. Richards to choose readings and songs and I felt as though I was moving in slow motion all day long.  I just couldn’t get myself to make decisions.  Nothing seems good enough.  Even finding something to wear.  I avoided it by instead trying on jeans at the dress shop.  The woman asked me as soon as I entered the store, “Are you shopping for something in particular?”  I hesitated.  Do I answer her honestly?  I decided to tell her the truth and face my reality so as to avoid having her act as though this was some happy dress shopping occasion.  Both ladies were so kind to help me but still, nothing was good enough, nor will it ever be.

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(My quest for a dress took me downtown so I stopped in at my work and said hi to some of my favorite people.  Terry gave me this, she has also graciously offered to be the Eucharistic minister at mass tomorrow.  I had been trying to find a lamby for both of my girls but only found one.  This one has the verse that is so special to me.)

Speaking of dress.  I’ve been really feeling like the kids and I should wear white or light colors.  My girl was so pure, so sweet, so pink and pretty.  When we left our meeting with Father, the other priest of our parish, Fr. Nathan came up to us and told us that before Vatican II, when an infant died, the entire church would wear white and they would say the Mass of the Angels.  I thought that sounded beautiful.  I would never request anything of anyone since I want everyone to feel comfortable and welcome tomorrow night no matter what.  However, if you were looking for direction or feel so inclined, I think it would be beautiful if those attending would wear something light or white or even pink.  Laurencia’s daddy and brother are going to wear pink ties for their girl :).

I know that these details shouldn’t matter.  But yesterday morning when I was trying to finalize some things it occurred to me that this is all she gets.  No baptism, no first communion, no more birthday parties, no mommy and Laurencia days, no wedding.  Her funeral is the only thing I can plan and do for her.  I don’t have enough days to come up with special things for tomorrow and so the little things like choosing songs or readings or pink ties or a necklace to bury her in do matter, to me.

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(Yesterday Rachie gave me these identical necklaces and precious little jewelry boxes that say “Laurencia & Valencia”.  Laurencia’s godfather, Billy picked them out special.  We will bury Laurencia with her necklace on and when we give Valencia hers some day, we will tell her that her sister has the match.  This was such a gift to me as, unbeknownst to Billy and Rach, I had spent hours looking for the perfect sister necklace to bury my girl in but couldn’t find one.)

For anyone joining us tomorrow, you are more than welcome to come out to the burial site with us or you can stay and talk in the back of church and enjoy something to eat and some coffee.  We will be returning to the church to join you after we leave the cemetery.

Last night I was talking to the kids about the funeral and I started tearing up, which made Wyatt start crying.  He can’t stand seeing others cry.  He told me he doesn’t want to go to the funeral.  If I had my choice, I wouldn’t want to either, but really it’s more that I don’t want it to have to happen.  But it will and since it is the only thing left that I can do for my girl, there is nothing more I’d rather do than be with her tomorrow night.  I just wish I had a thousand million more days where I could see her and feel her little fingers one more time.  When I do look at her photos, I find myself every single time touching the computer screen, trying to feel her.  Mae does the same thing but also insists on kissing the computer screen.  God I miss her.  And tomorrow will be the very last time I get to see her sweet face.  I pray for strength and peace to accept it and be joyous for my girl.

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Thank you for the continued prayers and support.  In approximately 4 minutes my nephew, Benedict Francis, will be undergoing his repair surgery.  This surgery is critical.  We are all very concerned about our boy but hopeful for his healing.  We appreciate any prayers you might offer on his behalf.

God bless you all,

Katrina

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2 thoughts on “Preparing for tomorrow

  1. I think I’d echo any parent when I say that I selfishly hope to never know this sort of loss or pain. But, if that should befall me, I hope to handle it with the amazing strength you and your family have shown is all over these past few months. Thank you for your courage to share. Perhaps we can all lift some of the burden. Our thoughts and prayers will be with you all Friday.
    Romans 8: 38-39

    • Thank you Mike, I used to say the same thing. And I can’t possibly tell you what it means to me that you all are willing to at least try to lift much of this burden. I feel it, I know it is working when I let it. And that is a gift I cannot ever repay. God bless you all. Katrina

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