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Mommy’s home and Valencia is halfway home!

Matt came to the hospital yesterday evening after I was discharged to finally bring me back home.  I was at the hospital for exactly five weeks.  I had to leave my little Valencia behind.  HOWEVER after we spoke to the resident, it was clear Valencia would not have to stay there much longer.  I was really ok with getting home knowing she was in amazing hands.

I planned on surprising the kids so they were at my sister’s when I got home and the plan was to bring them back to our house while I hid out in my room waiting.  Every night–every single night– Gabby sends me a text telling me:  “Goodnight, I love you, come check on us!”  She always said it too, before I went to the hospital.  But while I was in the hospital I told her I’d check on her ‘in her dreams’.  So, I had my phone while I was hiding waiting for her to text it to me and I had planned to sneak to her room and check on her for real!

It was nice to be able to first walk in without the kids here and get my bearings.  I always imagined it would be very hard and I kept thinking about how empty I would feel coming back home.  Empty tummy, empty arms.  But I didn’t.  I was so intent on focusing on the excitement of the other kids that I refused to let the sadness overtake me.  I love my home and that love was so great that I was ok once I arrived.

This is what I saw when I walked in:

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They thought they were coming to get me today so they had the sign all ready (thanks to Trina 🙂 ).  The other thing I came home to was a CLEAN HOUSE.  My sister is….incredible.  She has been organizing meals for my family, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, watching my kids, lending her kids to watch my kids…and on…and on.  So I was anxiously awaiting the kids coming home and all but kicked Trina out (she brought the kids home) so that we could pull off the big surprise.

Finally they went to bed and almost instantly I ran to Gabby’s room.  You should have seen the looks on their faces!  We did the same for Polly and Mae and everyone got up and we just had a snack and snuggled for a while before going to bed.

And then.  And then…I slept.  Well, first I talked briefly with Matt about Laurencia, though I just didn’t want to talk much.  I am realizing that I feel her with me every second of every day and that is how much I think about her too.  But when I really talk about her or look at photos or video, I’m right back to Monday.  So last night I just wanted to be peaceful and happy and I went to sleep.  Oh my goodness, I slept like I haven’t in at least seven months.  I didn’t hear a thing and I don’t think I moved a muscle.  It was amazing.  I think in the morning I was dreaming about Valencia’s doctor talking to us about moving her.

When I got up I made the kids some super deluxe yummy scrumptious cinnamon roll pancakes.  We had a huge brunch and we all got ready for the day.  And then we received a call from the hospital that Valencia was going to be moved to a very nice hospital which is SO MUCH CLOSER to our home and is in a beautiful facility!  This is HUGE.  Huge.  I had prayed all along for my health (that I would be ok) and for Valencia’s.  And as I’ve mentioned in the past, I told myself to be very cognizant of these two blessings should we receive them.  But the “bonus” thing I always prayed for was that Valencia would do so well that she could be moved to the closer hospital as soon as I left the hospital in the city.  I never thought it would actually happen this quickly!  I thought for sure I’d stay longer at the other hospital myself in order to make that happen.  BUT, Valencia is breathing room air, has no issues whatsoever and is only in the hospital so she can learn to feed and so she can grow.  That’s IT! Like I told my sisters, GOD IS GOOD.

There are so many things that could have happened to Valencia.  Cord compression could have caused neurological issues or she could have had respiratory problems among many other things.  And of course, she could have died.  I’m not sure if I mentioned this but the doctor who delivered her told us there wasn’t a single knot in their cords.  This is nearly unheard of for monoamniotic twins.  My best friend Rachie told me her son specifically prayed for this.  Thanks Ben 🙂  it worked.

We all went as a family to run some errands and go see our girl.  The place she’s in is like a luxury spa for crying out loud.  Dr. G calls it “The Grove” and told me how fancy it is.  I didn’t realize how right he was until we got there.  And oh how sweet all of the nurses were.  Every single person we ran into (even the girl at the front desk) knew all about the special delivery that arrived that day (Valencia).  It was so cute, like she was the queen arriving at the castle or something.

Here we are visiting our little pip:

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I brought her the two dollies that her Grandma Julie gave us and I put the hat that her sister wore on the Laurencia doll.  It breaks my heart but I know I need to do those things for her.

We visited for a while and fussed with her because we couldn’t get enough.

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We then went to church as a family for the first time in a very long time.  I thought this would also be very difficult.  But between Mae’s antics and trying to focus on the mass, I was generally OK.  I simply would not allow myself to think about what is going to happen on Friday.  It’s going to happen and so I will live it.  I had been living with anticipation of fear and grief for so many months leading up to their birth that I wanted to and tried so hard not to allow it tonight at mass.  That is of course until they announced a funeral that was taking place on Thursday.  So I braced myself, having no idea they would be next announcing the funeral of my very own daughter.  Sure enough, just like that, they did.  And I took it in and let it hurt and then gathered up my little family to go get dinner.

Father R’s homily was about humility.  [Yes, Father, it may have looked as though I was digging in my bag for something to appease Mae, whispering to Polly, figuring out why Wyatt was crying (ingrown toenail), reaching for the ring Polly dropped, getting a wipey for Bella, but I swear, I was listening!]  He talked about how humility is not being self-deprecating (uh oh) but rather not even thinking of oneself at all!  It was a great reminder especially considering the messages I’ve been getting.  I know each of you speaks from your own heart when you say such nice things to or about me and my family.  Your words of loving encouragement and kindness mean so much.  But the glory all belongs to God.  He may have given these very special girls to my family but anything good that I say or share comes directly from Him.

Missing my girl is foremost on my mind, but I am taking it hour by hour and figuring out how living without her is going to work.  It really was a beautiful day.  And I really was thanking and praising God over and over for the wonderful news of Valencia and for bringing me physical healing so that I can care for all of my babies.

Thank you all for everything.  I know that your prayers are working, I feel it every day.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  And, please don’t stop.  Not sure what I’d do without all of you.

God bless,

Katrina

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