That little phrase has been running through my head so often since the day we found out about Laurencia. It’s not something I ever thought of before or particularly dwelled on. It’s not something over the course of my life that I relied upon for comfort. I don’t recall when I became acutely aware of this recurring message. But it suddenly flashes in my mind so often now that it is almost a part of me. This morning I was feeling quite weak. Really weak. As in, I was lying here in the bed and suddenly realized that I will be lying in this same bed recovering from the surgery but I will be holding her, and she will not be alive. I will be lying right here, in this same spot, the same me, the same clothes, the same hair, the same surroundings, only her little heartbeat won’t be going “tha thump, tha thump, tha thump” on the monitor as I lie here.
(Georgetta on the left, Laurencia on the right)
Her little feet won’t be jabbing into my ribs
and her little perfect hands won’t be grasping for her sister’s.
And then my weakness multiplied by 10,000 and I cried and wondered how I would stop.
Very clearly, as usual I heard or thought, “When I am weak, He is strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
I believe that this message, “He is strong” is not just words in my head or a nice thought about how God is with me. I really, truly believe that it is a reminder to me that “He” is God working through the entire Body of Christ, all of you, that it’s a message that I DON’T NEED TO BE STRONG, at least not by my own will or making. And that the things for which I am so grateful yet feel so unworthy of are the things that give me strength, that give us strength. There are SO MANY THINGS people have done and said and offered and given to and for us and our baby girls. That is our strength. I’ve probably said a million times that what gets us through is the loving prayers from everyone. That is our strength. How on Earth do I even begin to convey my gratitude for this gift?
Joy Comes in the Morning:
The other thing that pops into my head, though I don’t feel it and can’t find peace in it yet so I’m not sure why I think it so often, is this phrase, “Joy comes in the morning.” I keep hearing it, ALL OF THE TIME. And I’m not one to hear divine messages or willy nilly find symbolism in things. I do know that on the very day we found out the fatal diagnosis, I kept thinking over and over how I will never again experience pure joy, the kind I had before learning my baby would die. Of course we will have joys! We still do, so many joys and so many blessings, but I was very afraid and weak and was grieving my ‘old life’. And then somewhere along the way this little phrase made it’s way into my brain. So I looked it up:
5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
Joy cometh in the morning. I fancy myself a glass half full kind of person. So I would normally focus on this part, the joy part. I WANT to focus on this part. But right now, it is night. And I have to face that as well. And we will endure the night and we will get to the morning because When We are Weak, He is Strong.